Sometimes, it is enough that you left the house today, even if it was after 5 pm, dragging your feet, feeling the weight of the day wasted in the center of your chest and hunger blooming in your stomach. It is enough that you stepped outside, to let the smoky sun shine directly on your head, and the sticky sea breeze play with your hair. It is enough that you walked steadily on capable feet through the shaded streets gathering eggs and bread and onions and tomatoes and kadhipata, and wandered into a store in search of soap without plastic wrapping, and nervously into a wine shop, even though you were sure they would turn you away.
It is ok to pat yourself on the back for stopping at the chaat stall that still serves on stainless steel plates and costs 70 less rupees than the big one down the street, and it is ok to feel guilty when you think that’s small change.
It’s wonderful that you said yes to opening your home to food creation and a distant cousin you just barely met, and it’s a small wonder that when you invited multiple folks that you know varying degrees of well, and they all couldn’t make it, you felt entirely fine about it. It’s ok that you bought candles that were overpriced (just this once, ok), because you knew that you craved their soft light today. It’s ok that you spent all weekend thinking “I should write about something” but avoided it as a chore. It’s ok that you spent the money you spent (though lets re-evaluate how much of a need this fancy chocolate is, another day).
It’s wonderful how joyous it felt to ride the train again and see human patterns floating in the sky as kites, celebrating this day of transition as the earth turns its face back towards the sun. Well done on slowly assembling your kitchen, kudos for the slow meals you have been steadily making all week. We never thought you’d be living alone with quiet gratitude for any length of time, but here you are.
Do write those notes you mean to write to people you mean to tell you are thinking of them. Do search for places to have to be on weekends, places where you can take a break from thinking of yourself. Do sit up straighter. There is still time. But I hope you can sit still sometimes like this without the weight of your own expectations. It is ok today to take in: food, people, wine, time. It is ok that you did not better the world today. I hope you try again tomorrow.